I was travelling back home after meeting my cousin. She had given me some accessories some for myself and others if I can find someone eligible to use them. While I was walking towards Andrews Ganj, I was thinking about how emotionally dry have I become. When I was taking a leave, she actually had to remind me to hug her. All these things seem to be so natural earlier. I guess the turbulent times which has recently passed has left a much deeper impact on me than I have actually expected. I really felt terrible about myself.
Such thoughts continued to occupy my mind. I was just trying to figure out what is really there in my subconscious which I need to heal so that I can let go of this new pattern which I have recently developed. A pattern where I try to stay away from people, where I try to avoid any deep conversations with people. I guess this was just a defense mechanism which is up right now because sub- consciously I Still believe that I am still in that phase where things are not according to me.
I hopped on a bus back home, bought a ticket and grabbed a window seat. The bus was quiet empty. After two stations, a family of three got on the bus. They were those plastic Bucket sellers which exchange their commodities for clothes and shoes. The father grabbed a seat at the back and the mother and daughter took a seat before me.
I looked at the girl and felt like giving the accessories to her wich my cousin had given for this purpose. But at the same time I felt hesitant. I felt a little scared. I had no idea why but my heart started pumping. An inner voice started to echo in my head, "Give it to her....Give it to her...." I still felt a fear. Perhaps I had learnt to doubt myself now.
I gathered all my strength and took out a neck piece and a bracelet from my bag and handed it over to her. She just jumped in surprise! She was really very happy! Her eyes had a beautiful sparkle when she looked at me with gratitude. It was so warm that my Ice cold frozen heart just melted.
All of a sudden a lot of things started falling in place. I just remembered the Tarot card 6 of Pentacles.
People have a big issue these days to be in the position of receiving. It is because we have a negative association with receiving. Most of the time it is because we have deserving issues(For those who don't know what are deserving issues, it is a feeling or a belief which is generally subconscious having roots in your childhood experiences that you feel you are not worthy or deserving of receiving). Healing these issues is another topic which I'll cover another day.
Today, give a stranger one of your smiles. It might be the only sunshine he sees all day.
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